The 8 Year Old Boy Who Built His World…
Few days ago, I shed tears as I walked to my car after work. I just got the corner office suite in a downtown area, revenue has reached all time highs, the team grew 400%. It was way more than what I could’ve imagined.
Until it struck me as to why I’ve been working so hard to build this world that I am in. It was a light bulb of relief and slight grief…
And it wasn’t a relief in which I was happy to feel but a relief knowing that I can empathize with that version of me.
Alot of the world in which I live… I have created... My team, family, routine and my work. It’s all my bubble.
Whether it be good or bad. Whether it be the fruits of the seeds I planted years ago or the overgrown weeds in my garden I have neglected.
It probably wasn’t until recently in which I got out of the shadows of people close to me.
From 2nd grade all the way until high school, the first few words that would always come out of my teacher’s mouth when meeting them would be “SO YOU ARE AARON’S LITTLE BROTHER” or “SO YOU ARE SAMANTHA’S LITTLE BROTHER.” Followed up with “YOU MUST BE SO SMART.”
This happened countless of times. Expectations and shoes I knew I had to fill.
I never counted myself as the loud one in school or in my friend group. I was never the loud one in my family. I was typically the outspoken one…
The 8 year old boy who desperately wanted attention but was too afraid to ask for it. I knew there was pain around me so I never deemed myself “worthy” enough for it.
I seldomly lashed out or got angry. I was cornered to silently accept the world for what it was.
In my head, I created pictures of a future world where I can be in control or where I was depended on. Where the attention was on me but not in a narcissistic way but in a way that pleased the 8 year old boy who just needed a father.
And… it was in those moments, where I slowly decided to find ways to build my own world. Create my own passions… Far from what kids in my age were doing…
Second grade - I would walk to the gas station to buy lemon heads for 50 cents to later sell them for $1 during recess.
Or in the 5th grade where I would buy used shoes in Facebook groups and flip them for a profit.
Or in 8th grade, when I decided to start a “clothing business”
Later in high school, managing social media for local restaurants.
Brick by brick, each failure became skillsets to help me build my world.
Now at 24 years old, life looks so different and I know I’m just at the beginning.
Where all of this started to feel like grief, is the sudden realization that this world was built by the 8 year old little boy who just wanted attention and love.
And yes - those things are great but as a father and soon-to-be-husband, that world can only serve me and had only space for one…
Not Gabby, not Saint, not family.
As schizo as it sounds (lol), I often have conversations with the 17 year old me and the 30 year old me, but I’ve never had a conversation with the 8 year old me… Until a few days ago
It brought me to tears when I heard the 8 year old Joshua as I walked to my car telling me that this world can’t serve me anymore…
“I’ve gotten you to this point, but you now have a little boy who desperately needs your love and your attention. Make this world with your family now”